Against the Grain

Communication is hard. Shocking, I know.

I'm a rather solitary person, and I like solo projects. My mind moves very fast, so most of the time it feels like a lot of effort working with someone because I usually need to slow way down. A lot of it comes down to being an only child, so I didn't have to ask anyone what they wanted to do next, I could stop doing whatever I was doing and do anything else without needing to engage with someone.

D/s is probably one of the most intensive cooperative activities you could do with someone, and in that regard I sometimes feel wholly out of my depth. My erratic mind is part of why I thought it would be extremely difficult to find someone compatible in this dynamic. There is no version of this where I can have a satisfying relationship while sticking entirely to myself.

My girl seems to really enjoy my deviant imagination, and I do too. The only thing is, it's exhausting. A photographer might take 10 shots for every one good one, and that's also how my mind works. For every good/fun idea that comes out, there are dozens I don't vocalise because I know they're bad, or half-formed, or dangerous. 

This is an area of vulnerability that I struggle with. This is one of the harder parts of letting people in. I don't want them to disturb the peace, and that includes the piles of shitty ideas that are stored in my head.

But I know that stopping isn't an option. Not if I want this relationship to succeed (and I do, very much so). 

My usual strategy of sitting on it in private and then showing people the finished product is absolutely impossible this time. I spent a big part of the last week writing up our BDSM contract and it was extremely difficult for me to show it to her. It's unfinished because she needs to add to it herself and we both need to go over it multiple times to make sure it will work and is what we both want. But it shouldn't have been that hard to show her my mind, and what I want from our relationship.

There is also an unspoken pressure on me, as the Domme, to be perfect. It's unspoken because my girl has said multiple times she doesn't expect me to be perfect, but I feel a need as the one in charge to be a certain level of... Domme. I don't know what better word to use. 

There's also a weird idea I have in my head that D types are meant to bring the pain and s types are meant to roll with it, without being asked or saying no. Yeah no, I wouldn't have broken up with an old Dom if I really believed that.

My girl has already explored a lot of my mind and liked what she's seen. Being scared of her reactions at the rest seems like a waste of energy on my part. I feel this is a priority to work on.