We renegotiated our contract.
Which is BDSM-speak for we had a sit down and had a talk about what we both wanted going forward.
She gave me more power over her, in specific ways. I like having this control.
I'm starting to feel like I have a grasp on my girl's feelings and desires. Not a strong or complete one, but I'm definitely making progress. I'm able to anticipate some of her needs, and do what I can to either take care of her myself, or get her to do what she needs to take care of herself.
Familiarity breeds comfort in this case, so the more time we spend with each other the more comfortable I become in this role. I'm starting to feel entitled to her and her body, instead of worrying about if it's ok. We have it in writing what is and isn't ok, which helps a lot.
It's also giving me more confidence outside of the relationship. My girl is letting me see it's ok for me to be sexual and want these things.
Tuesday, 15 October 2019
Friday, 4 October 2019
Against the Grain
Communication is hard. Shocking, I know.
I'm a rather solitary person, and I like solo projects. My mind moves very fast, so most of the time it feels like a lot of effort working with someone because I usually need to slow way down. A lot of it comes down to being an only child, so I didn't have to ask anyone what they wanted to do next, I could stop doing whatever I was doing and do anything else without needing to engage with someone.
D/s is probably one of the most intensive cooperative activities you could do with someone, and in that regard I sometimes feel wholly out of my depth. My erratic mind is part of why I thought it would be extremely difficult to find someone compatible in this dynamic. There is no version of this where I can have a satisfying relationship while sticking entirely to myself.
My girl seems to really enjoy my deviant imagination, and I do too. The only thing is, it's exhausting. A photographer might take 10 shots for every one good one, and that's also how my mind works. For every good/fun idea that comes out, there are dozens I don't vocalise because I know they're bad, or half-formed, or dangerous.
This is an area of vulnerability that I struggle with. This is one of the harder parts of letting people in. I don't want them to disturb the peace, and that includes the piles of shitty ideas that are stored in my head.
But I know that stopping isn't an option. Not if I want this relationship to succeed (and I do, very much so).
My usual strategy of sitting on it in private and then showing people the finished product is absolutely impossible this time. I spent a big part of the last week writing up our BDSM contract and it was extremely difficult for me to show it to her. It's unfinished because she needs to add to it herself and we both need to go over it multiple times to make sure it will work and is what we both want. But it shouldn't have been that hard to show her my mind, and what I want from our relationship.
There is also an unspoken pressure on me, as the Domme, to be perfect. It's unspoken because my girl has said multiple times she doesn't expect me to be perfect, but I feel a need as the one in charge to be a certain level of... Domme. I don't know what better word to use.
There's also a weird idea I have in my head that D types are meant to bring the pain and s types are meant to roll with it, without being asked or saying no. Yeah no, I wouldn't have broken up with an old Dom if I really believed that.
My girl has already explored a lot of my mind and liked what she's seen. Being scared of her reactions at the rest seems like a waste of energy on my part. I feel this is a priority to work on.
I'm a rather solitary person, and I like solo projects. My mind moves very fast, so most of the time it feels like a lot of effort working with someone because I usually need to slow way down. A lot of it comes down to being an only child, so I didn't have to ask anyone what they wanted to do next, I could stop doing whatever I was doing and do anything else without needing to engage with someone.
D/s is probably one of the most intensive cooperative activities you could do with someone, and in that regard I sometimes feel wholly out of my depth. My erratic mind is part of why I thought it would be extremely difficult to find someone compatible in this dynamic. There is no version of this where I can have a satisfying relationship while sticking entirely to myself.
My girl seems to really enjoy my deviant imagination, and I do too. The only thing is, it's exhausting. A photographer might take 10 shots for every one good one, and that's also how my mind works. For every good/fun idea that comes out, there are dozens I don't vocalise because I know they're bad, or half-formed, or dangerous.
This is an area of vulnerability that I struggle with. This is one of the harder parts of letting people in. I don't want them to disturb the peace, and that includes the piles of shitty ideas that are stored in my head.
But I know that stopping isn't an option. Not if I want this relationship to succeed (and I do, very much so).
My usual strategy of sitting on it in private and then showing people the finished product is absolutely impossible this time. I spent a big part of the last week writing up our BDSM contract and it was extremely difficult for me to show it to her. It's unfinished because she needs to add to it herself and we both need to go over it multiple times to make sure it will work and is what we both want. But it shouldn't have been that hard to show her my mind, and what I want from our relationship.
There is also an unspoken pressure on me, as the Domme, to be perfect. It's unspoken because my girl has said multiple times she doesn't expect me to be perfect, but I feel a need as the one in charge to be a certain level of... Domme. I don't know what better word to use.
There's also a weird idea I have in my head that D types are meant to bring the pain and s types are meant to roll with it, without being asked or saying no. Yeah no, I wouldn't have broken up with an old Dom if I really believed that.
My girl has already explored a lot of my mind and liked what she's seen. Being scared of her reactions at the rest seems like a waste of energy on my part. I feel this is a priority to work on.
Thursday, 3 October 2019
Exposure
Vulnerability is vital in BDSM relationships.
One reason I enjoy the intensity of BDSM is because, at my core, I'm extremely selective on who I let in. I spend a lot of time inside my own head, and I don't want anyone to disturb the peace inside. Anyone who I do let in usually knows to respect my space.
You could call it boundaries, but I think of it as compartmentalization in a lot of ways. One common trait shared by a lot of INFP people is customising your personality to the person you're with at the moment, and I do it. For me, it comes out in the form of pretty much not talking about certain things with certain people, or giving extremely surface answers to questions. Sometimes it's a painful process (for instance, I can't talk to my mother about poly stuff) but it's also one I've found necessary for me to survive in the world.
Letting people in is almost always a conscious choice for me, and it always takes time. Despite that, I must broadcast an aura of safety or understanding, because I find people open up to me very quickly. Miri has said I offer her a safe place to express her wants, which is why she's opening up to me so fast and so vastly.
I used to think letting people in and sharing myself was a painful process, but eventually I realised the problem was who I was letting in. I want to demonstrate this to my girl, and keep my promise of being a safe place for her to be herself. I worried that entering this dynamic would mean a change in my vulnerability with Miri. I was wrong to worry, because even though it has changed it means I'm even more vulnerable than before. Our relationship would be non-functional if she was the only one who expressed her true feelings. I have every reason to continue being an open book for her, if nothing else to show her that it's not that scary or painful. It actually feels great. There's also the part of me that selfishly wants her to open up so I can explore her entirely. In due time...
My girl needs to be open with me, so I know how to guide her. She's not doing this for me, she's doing it with me.
One reason I enjoy the intensity of BDSM is because, at my core, I'm extremely selective on who I let in. I spend a lot of time inside my own head, and I don't want anyone to disturb the peace inside. Anyone who I do let in usually knows to respect my space.
You could call it boundaries, but I think of it as compartmentalization in a lot of ways. One common trait shared by a lot of INFP people is customising your personality to the person you're with at the moment, and I do it. For me, it comes out in the form of pretty much not talking about certain things with certain people, or giving extremely surface answers to questions. Sometimes it's a painful process (for instance, I can't talk to my mother about poly stuff) but it's also one I've found necessary for me to survive in the world.
Letting people in is almost always a conscious choice for me, and it always takes time. Despite that, I must broadcast an aura of safety or understanding, because I find people open up to me very quickly. Miri has said I offer her a safe place to express her wants, which is why she's opening up to me so fast and so vastly.
I used to think letting people in and sharing myself was a painful process, but eventually I realised the problem was who I was letting in. I want to demonstrate this to my girl, and keep my promise of being a safe place for her to be herself. I worried that entering this dynamic would mean a change in my vulnerability with Miri. I was wrong to worry, because even though it has changed it means I'm even more vulnerable than before. Our relationship would be non-functional if she was the only one who expressed her true feelings. I have every reason to continue being an open book for her, if nothing else to show her that it's not that scary or painful. It actually feels great. There's also the part of me that selfishly wants her to open up so I can explore her entirely. In due time...
My girl needs to be open with me, so I know how to guide her. She's not doing this for me, she's doing it with me.
Tuesday, 1 October 2019
Intensity
Screw introductions.
One word my girl keeps coming back to is "intense" when describing our relationship. We aren't love-sick teens, but we both have strong feelings, in general and about each other. She isn't wrong to use that word, but she seems afraid.
She says she isn't used to being this vulnerable with anyone, and apart from that breaking my heart, it really tells me I need to bring my A game. She isn't made of glass, far from it. She is one of the strongest people I know. But when someone strong hands you their heart, it's time to pay attention.
I'm comfortable with the intense. When my girl opens up more in front of me, I devour it whole and want more. I want her to admit the dark and weird thoughts she has, and help her through so she comes out stronger on the other side. I think this is a big part of why she chose me to be her Mummy. I would hope so, at least. I want to be a safe person, and encourage that in those around me.
Emotional intensity isn't scary for me. It's what I need for a satisfying relationship. My vanilla partner and I both realised we had romantic feelings for each other when we did a flesh hook pull off each other. What is scary is putting myself in this leadership position with someone. It's intimidating to tell someone a twisted scenario you want to put them through, and they smile and nod. When I have the paddle in my hand, and look at her red ass, I get scared I'm going to break her. Or worse: break her trust.
Despite her fear, despite my fear, we're moving forward. I'm insanely proud of her, and excited for the future. All I can do is hold my hand out for my girl, and hope she continues to take the next step with me.
One word my girl keeps coming back to is "intense" when describing our relationship. We aren't love-sick teens, but we both have strong feelings, in general and about each other. She isn't wrong to use that word, but she seems afraid.
She says she isn't used to being this vulnerable with anyone, and apart from that breaking my heart, it really tells me I need to bring my A game. She isn't made of glass, far from it. She is one of the strongest people I know. But when someone strong hands you their heart, it's time to pay attention.
I'm comfortable with the intense. When my girl opens up more in front of me, I devour it whole and want more. I want her to admit the dark and weird thoughts she has, and help her through so she comes out stronger on the other side. I think this is a big part of why she chose me to be her Mummy. I would hope so, at least. I want to be a safe person, and encourage that in those around me.
Emotional intensity isn't scary for me. It's what I need for a satisfying relationship. My vanilla partner and I both realised we had romantic feelings for each other when we did a flesh hook pull off each other. What is scary is putting myself in this leadership position with someone. It's intimidating to tell someone a twisted scenario you want to put them through, and they smile and nod. When I have the paddle in my hand, and look at her red ass, I get scared I'm going to break her. Or worse: break her trust.
Despite her fear, despite my fear, we're moving forward. I'm insanely proud of her, and excited for the future. All I can do is hold my hand out for my girl, and hope she continues to take the next step with me.
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